HOW TO MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AFTER THE BREAKUP

Parenting in one home is a challenge and parenting in two homes can be especially hard.  Parents want the best for their children and maintaining a business-like relationship with the other parent is a way of exchanging information about your child’s schedule or activities.  Being a non-custodial parent has many challenges and if the separation was difficult, it is especially hard for both parents and the children. Sometimes relationships break down and, if the other parent moves without notifying you, contact an attorney for advice about your options.  Call the A&V Hotline at 1 (866) 292-4636 from 1 – 5 p.m., Monday through Friday, and speak with an attorney for more legal information, or go to the Find a Lawyer article on this website. 

This information can help you develop or sustain positive relationships with the custodial parent and can help you stay involved in your child’s life. 

Court orders usually name the parents as those able to pick up and drop off children.  Unless you have consulted with the other parent and obtained approval, do not have another person or your significant other assume this duty.  Your child looks forward to seeing you at these times and your presence shows you are making your time together a priority. 

The standard visitation order (SVO) has provisions to assist parents in remaining actively involved in their children’s lives.  Check under the powers and duties section of the SVO regarding your rights to consult with school officials and to be listed at the school as a contact in case of an emergency involving your child. Inform the school of your interest in receiving the school newsletter.  If permitted by your order, provide your child’s school with a copy of your order and tell the school clerk that you want the order to be a part of your child’s school record. Ask for the school’s policy on parents having lunch with their children and check your court order as well.

If both parents can commit to communicate about school and their child’s progress, the children will benefit.   If communication is limited, important information can be lost, such as homework not being completed on time, upcoming tests, and grades.   

Make sure the school has your current address and telephone number.  Try to attend all school activities from orientation to back to school night.

Learn the names of your child’s teachers and ask for a copy (offer to pay copying costs) of each class’ curriculum and a list of special projects and due dates.  This helps you stay current with your child’s subjects and gives you a chance to be a resource on special projects when your child is with you.  If, for example, you know magnets will be studied over the next semester, you can prepare your child in advance with books or games involving magnets.  Offering to buy school supplies or helping make special purchases in addition to your regular child support shows you want to help share the costs of raising your child.

If you think a difficult conversation is coming up with the other parent, try to schedule a time and place when you each have time to fully discuss the issues when the children are not present, such as lunchtime when the children are at school or daycare.  Or schedule a telephone call when you know the children won’t be around to overhear the conversation.  Use “I” messages instead of “You always” to say how you feel or what things you would like to see change.  Listen to the other’s point of view. 

The transition from one home to another can be especially difficult.  Give your child a quiet time, if possible, before and after a transition to prepare for the exchange.  Your child may feel a little sad at leaving one parent even while he or she may be excited at going to see the other parent.  It’s an emotionally difficult time for your child, who feels loyal to both parents.  Both parents can prepare the child for the upcoming exchange by talking about it and honoring your child’s right to miss the other parent. 

Try to put your child at ease during the transition between homes.  When picking up or dropping off, say something positive about your child to the other parent.  Children thrive on parental approval.  If you’re able to make a compliment about your child’s latest piece of artwork or hear about the last sporting event (great catch!), etc., watch how your child responds to positive reinforcement. 

Talking directly with the other parent keeps your child from being caught in the middle.  It gives your children back their childhood.  Children feel in the middle when they have to pass messages, verbal or written.   Children do not want to hear about adult issues, such as finances, child support, and why you broke up.  Regardless of age, all children want to stay out of your conflicts.  One way children learn to communicate is by listening to how mom and dad talk. 

Create and maintain a schedule of routine contact with the other parent.  Regular communication about your children, especially during emotionally difficult times, allows you both to focus on your child’s best interest.  This can get easier with practice. 

Children thrive on routine and schedules.  Establishing a consistent routine with your child builds security and trust.  And it makes it easier to swap times when a scheduled time has to be missed (if you are ill, for example).  Being flexible with scheduling conflicts or switching weekends helps build good will that may sustain you during difficult times. 

Exchanging information about your child’s health, shifting interests, and problems or successes helps both of you maintain positive communication with your child.

If there is conflict during the transition from one parent's home to another, minimize it by:

• Detaching your emotions from the situation;
• Treating the situation like a business transaction;
• Keeping the exchange brief and civil;
• Agreeing to meet in a neutral, public place if this makes it easier;
• Eliminating shame and guilt;
• Controlling comments; and
• Honoring your child's right to a relationship with both parents.

Grandparents and other extended family members who were important to your child before your break up can be especially important afterward.  Extended family on both sides can often be a source of comfort to your child and may be able to help out if parents need a temporary break from picking up or dropping off the child. 

Pay your child support.  Although this is not a reason for the custodial parent to deny visitation, failing to pay will an already difficult situation.  Paying your child support demonstrates your commitment to providing for your child.